I’m still alive! My daughter begged me this morning to put something on the blog, and I asked her, “Are you my God”, because I only take direction from Him when it comes to posting on the blog. We both got a good laugh, but she stated that I should post a video or something so that people wouldn’t think that I had “moved on” to the greener pastures. Anyway…this blog subject had been in my spirit for a while so I am hoping that it can be insightful or encourage someone who may stumble across it.
Where have I been for the last few months? WORKING! Yes, working at a real job that I had no intentions on accepting. What happened was that I was looking to work in the psychiatric field and I interviewed at one office that seemed suited to my background because it was mental health, but primarily dealing with soldiers. However, two days after I accepted the position I got called by another employer at a mental health/substance abuse facility. I was torn, but I am a praying woman, so I did what I knew and asked God. In my head I knew that the first offer was more suited to what I was looking for, but God directed me to accept the second position. A couple of weeks in I was cursing myself and asking God “whyyyyyyy????” This place was awful! The employees were mostly “christians” who went to church every Sunday morning, and cussed you out Sunday night, went out partying, and many worship Beyonce or other celebrities. The management was more concerned with surface things than caring for the “sick”. I found very little respect between employees or between employees and clients. Just. A. Nightmare.
I began to get sick. Not physically ill where I could not function, but my spirit became sick. Dark. Angry. I also started to get migraines. Bad. Daily. To the point where I had to get a prescription for Imitrex. I took either that or Excedrin every single day. It became laborious to get up every day, and there was no joy in going to work. Or coming home. Why? Because I brought those dark, angry spirits home with me. I still prayed each day and night for things to change, and I started to get angry with God for not changing things for me.
Despite it all I continued to put my best foot forward in my work (my work ethic means a lot to me), and toward our clients because all of God’s children are to be valued. However, the stress that it took on me spiritually exhausted me. Eventually I lost a lot of feeling in my right arm. It was always either numb, painful or both and I had no feelings in my fingertips. I persevered anyway because apparently this is where God wanted me to be! Each day I went in with a pleasant smile and demeanor; that never changed because it is who I am, yet I began to notice negativity coming from me that was not who I was. Keep in mind that every single employee, including all of the “christians” cussed/swore like angry pirates in the midst of battle. I would always politely ask them to not swear around me, some complied, and some cussed me…que sera sera, and even though I did not cuss or swear, the negativity behind the words affected me. Yet I persevered. But I asked Him every day…
And I waited. To be honest, I never felt weaker and without control in my life than during these six months. I felt like I wasn’t saved, that God didn’t love me, that He left me in the wilderness. That I was in hell. Nothing that my husband or children did could pick me up, especially knowing that I had to be up the next morning to go back into my personal purgatory. Through it all I had clients (mental health, substance abusers) tell me how valuable I was, how nice I was, how patient and kind I was, and how joyful I always seemed to be. I was never stingy when it came to kind words to them, nor hugs when I felt they needed one (women only). So I kept taking my Imitrex and Excedrin and waiting to be delivered. It was not until much, much later that the things that the clients were telling me lined up with Galatians 5:22-23:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Even while going through one of the worst wilderness experiences of my life I was still able to show the fruits of the Holy Spirit, thank God. I would keep telling myself “God must have a reason for my being here”, and then I would contradict myself with, “maybe I’m such a terrible person that this is my punishment”. I don’t know why we as Christ-followers cannot remember Proverbs 3:5-6; had I done that I may have saved myself a lot of stress and migraines. I kept plodding through my days, much of the time complaining rather than praying, until the day that a curse was levied upon me. No, I am not exaggerating. I worked with a witch who identified with being a christian; I spotted her pretty quickly, but kept my distance as much as I could.
I knew that she envied me because of the respect that the clients (and some staff) showed me, but I did not realize the extent to which her envy went. One day (a Friday) that my superior gave me off as a personal day, I went into to work anyway during the afternoon so that my work would not fall behind. As I was sitting at my desk, this person came behind me and “jokingly” started hitting my back, on the right side near the shoulder blade. After a few seconds I demanded that she stop, which she did. I thought nothing else about it, but did tell my husband about it later that evening when I got home. That Sunday afternoon when I was doing laundry my right side began to throb and hurt so badly that I almost became immobile; my husband wanted me to go to the ER, but I refused because I had to work the next day.
At work the pain became so intense that I believed I may have been on the verge of a heart attack. The whole right side of my back, shoulder and arm down to my fingers were numb, and I felt short of breath. An EMT that I work with also recommended an ER visit, but still I hesitated. I popped some baby aspirin and started my drive home. During the drive I whined to God again about what was wrong with me. He immediately took me back to Friday, and that person’s random “back slapping”, and He told me that she placed a curse on me and that I needed to get to my husband to pray. I was shocked. Shocked first of all that it had happened, and second because my discernment had not picked it up. I got home and shared my experience with my husband, who then placed anointing oil on the painful/numb spots and prayed the curse off of me. The pain was gone instantly. God is sovereign, and amazing; at that point I knew that my deliverance was at hand.
This all happened less than a month ago. My last day at this job is in two days. Oh, and the witchtian (witch christian)? Well, that person was terminated a short while after God removed the curse, after being one of the longest tenured employees in the company. God said:
And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.
Although I feel a bit of sadness about leaving some of our clients, I have to trust that God’s will through me has been performed in that place and it’s time to move on to the next one. That is why I say it is the best (and worst) 6 months. When I broke my announcement that I was leaving I saw tears, I was threatened with petitions to keep me there, and others showed ambivalence. What I have done was put away my Imitrex and Excedrin and gave God thanks for the things that He is about to do, and for the things that He has already done!
Be encouraged Fam, God knows, sees, understands and most importantly….delivers!